Heroes Die
by Hopeless Desires
Summary: AU. The threads of reality are infallible. Sawada Tsunayoshi, memories and the webs of parallelism.「 Time Travel • Reincarnation 」
1. stop holding me down and let me go

**.** _._ .**Heroes Die**. _. **. **_

**IMPORTANT NOTE: **This is not a Self Insert. It isn't exactly a reincarnation fic, but you won't get it till the next chapter.  
>Noa was reincarnated into Tsuna because of an accident in which he died. Noa died at the same time, she had the same flame, the most similar personality (at least with his TYL version) and the same charm. The only difference are some defining traits and their ways of interacting. Their core is practically the same.<p>

Does that make sense? Summarized: OC and Tsuna are similar, Tsuna wouldn't have been able to move the story to the point of AU I wanted, neither would TYL!Tsuna have caused what Noa would.

Thank you.

**Edit: ch01 has been edited.**

**editedit: ch01 has been edited once again. The scene below was deleted and PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T MENTION IT UNLESS IT'S THROUGH PM because it's a spoiler, capice?**

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><p><strong>Author: <strong>Hopeless Desires

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><p><strong>Summary: <strong>"Dear god, you really are doing a funny on me!" Not only does she have to deal with completely different genitals, using the bathroom with close eyes, and deaths that weren't canon: the sudden appearance of two supposed villains, oh, nearly half a decade before the canon timeline was ripping her a new one. Ahead are uncharted territories. **Or: In which being a good guy ultimately means a bad end.**

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><p><strong>Rating: <strong>Mature children and mature adults.

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><p><strong>Possible Pairings: <strong>Depends on the votes. Until then, gen. And hints to 27All.

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><p><strong>Warnings: <strong>time travel, parallel worlds, alternate universes, psychology, NOT A SELF INSERT, sort of reincarnation fic, angst, mature themes, cursing, a realistic take on Katekyo Hitman Reborn, character death, sort of villain!Main character, twisted thoughts, a warped take on the childhood of some canon characters, character death, and generally just **trigger happy. **Plus **COMPLETELY AU. Well, not completely but it might as well be so. **I waxed poetics in this angsty chapter, as it was a try on a new style of writing. Two words. Epic fail.

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><p><strong>Notes: <strong>I wanted to write a story through the eyes of a hero terrified of human attachements, and who tries to be a hero but sort of fails...in a way you wouldnt be capable of guessing. After that, s/he'll have to reap the consquences of his failure. Bear with the first chapter, please, it's unbetaed and angsty because it's _death_.This, readers, is the tale of Tsunayoshi Sawada, but it's _not _Tsunayoshi Sawada.

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><p><em>Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.<em>

_**-H. Jackson Brown JR.**_

**.**

.

_._

**arc **_one : _reincarnation

_**chapter **__one : _stop holding me down and let me go

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><p><strong>Concept, <strong>noun: An idea of something formed by mentally combining all its characteristics or particulars; a construct.

**Concept, **verb: Informal. To develop a concept of; conceive

What is the concept of life?

_Happiness and beauty._

Is it really—

What is the concept of death?

_The end. _

Is it really—

Morality?

_Good and bad._

Is it really a—

Mortality?

_Death._

_-any wonder—_

Can she really answer these questions? She has an edge on the rest of people (she has lived, she has died, she has learned morality, has seen her mortality) but can she really?

_Really?_

Life is survival. It is not joy. It is beautiful. It is short and a liar.

Death is what you believe it is. You never know, till you see, till you finally believe.

_Is it really any wonder—_

It can be a blank with wall. It can be game over (the end the end _the end)_. It can be a door to another life.

_Do you want another life?_

_More lies._

Morality is taught to us. Morality is brainwashed in us from a young age, in other words it is indoctrination. It's a way for society to secure the ability for us to be hesitating before death, greatly reducing murders; it works amazingly well on young minds that have yet to form their own individual opinions.

(If they indoctrinate morals, what else do they brainwash us into?)

Morality is what those who teach us to believe, Are morals really important? After all, they are only things we made up. Things we believe in.

_There is a lie in be__**lie**__ve._

Morals are only a setback. There is no use for morality other than a decrease in mortality.

_Is it—_

Mortality is the realization that you are human, that you are nothing but a body surviving on food and other needs. How weak you are, how easily killed you are, how similar you are to other animals.

_Snuff out the flame._

_Memento Mori._

_-don't forget-_

Is life really equivalent to a flame?

What is preciousness? If you think about it, everything (happiness, joy, you must not kill, death, morals, society, beauty, love, life, lies) are all thought up by humans. They all have no values. But thinking makes it all thought up.

Thinking makes it humane.

(What is humane?)

Do I really know?

Do I understand?

_Is it really any wonder—_

Only survival has been here since the beginning. Survival and instincts. And when the time comes, only survival will be what you think.

_Survive._

_Ba-thump_

_Ba-thump_

_Ba-thump_

All we think has destroyed us somehow (girls committing suicides

beauty

_beauty_

old people realizing they aren't really old

_seventy?_

_how old_

_they've already lived life_

lies

_lies_

_nobody wants to die)_

_Ba-thump_

_Ba-thump_

Society is merely a set pattern of mutually accepted rules. Not laws, merely, but the dictates of manners for all functions public and private. Of course, the rules are accepted because it is ingrained into us from a young age, and then there is no other way for us but what society does.

_Is it really any wonder I—_

**.**

.

_._

She's only a scrawny genius and lately nobody seems to care she's first in all the subjects, or that the teachers are starting a gifted children program just for her and her brother, which is a shame because it's her only way to garner her mother's attention.

(Screaming at children over their grades, especially to the point of the child's tears, is child abuse, pure and simple. It's not funny and it's not good parenting. It is a crushing, scarring, disastrous experience for the child. It isn't the least bit funny. Ben Stein.

Hn.

She likes the quote's honesty. She'd like to say it one day, but for now she lets it roll over her tongue.)

She's home alone (like usual) and there's only her brother for company. Her brother is great company, his intellect matches hers (almost) but he is always solving puzzles and creating beautiful cities with blocks and puppets, sometimes sock puppet, sometimes chibi dolls. He handles them with excellent care, handling them carefully, building them perfectly, gently smiling at them (he never smiles much at anyone, except sometimes at her, but it's fading and fading and one day it won't be there) and everyone stops when he smiles, stare with fascination at his skillful hands, shivers at his smile, and think he'd be a great father, a talented engineer, a prodigy, a not so bad person to have in a broken society.

But she doesn't think that, and she thinks of them as fools and it almost leaves her mouth: the truth, but it rolls over her mouth (so painful and alluring _and just let her say it already)_ and she ends up staying silent.

(They never see how these beautiful detailed cities he builds get torn every single night, because of aliens and robots and a small Ken doll, don't see how all the inhabitants die, all of them, even the mother doll.

She doesn't care that the father doll, with his sneaky eyes and cold smile, is always torn apart, body part by body part. He will always be there the next day, for both of their _sick _fascination.

The two broken Barbie dolls do survive though, and she doesn't know if she should be happy or not.)

Sometimes, sometimes, she wonders if she might be sick.

Usually, she has to sit down at those moments.

Her brother, she discovers, is a liar. He watches anime, sometimes, at night, instead of watching the news. She goes away when he watches them, maybe because of his face.

(And maybe it's because of the images and emotions in animes. They have always, always, given her hope.

_Hope is bad_

_Hope makes you believe_

_And in the end you're crushed_

_Hope is delusional_

She has always envied these main characters, some of which are Tsunayoshi Sawada and Mikan Sakura and so many more.

She is not delusional.)

Still, she'd like to talk to her mother. Her brother doesn't care anymore, he just immerses himself in his toys, and it has been long, but she remembers the days spent (mother, children, together) at the beach when Nate and her asked (so many questions) their mother (no answers) questions best unanswered.

But that was long ago. Maybe when she was six (five? Four? It all seems the same to her) shortly after her father (biologically) left and before her mother was promoted to Police Chief.

She finishes her homework, and her eyes skim over the textbooks on the table.

What's the point of reading these textbooks (again and again and again) when she knows (so alone, she's read all her novels, nobody is there to take her to the library) what they say?

(She can go by herself, certainly, but she likes to clutch stubbornly on the sentimentality of going to library again with her mother. Perhaps it would signify a new beginning? Hope?

_Hope?_

She has never believed in sentimentality, but hopes are what keep her going.

Or perhaps its survival?)

But hope is bad, right?

Soon, she just stops thinking. She goes to the library again and doesn't think, doesn't wonder; because that's the wise thing. Thinking is too painful nowadays.

(Her life has fallen into a routine, a routine her brother is used to because he's learned from long ago to give up hope.

(but he's a liar he watches anime and she's a liar she reads fictional books)

It hurts too much when it is finally crushed.

It's always crushed.

**I.**

It's been a year.

Her mother hasn't sat with them for more than one hour a day.

She's given up hope, so it's completely unsurprising when her mother comes in and claims she has a holiday and they should all sit down and _talk._

_Talk._

Really? She thinks she can come in and enter their lives, patched up by yours truly and held together by fragile strings, lives she damaged, like she's done nothing and belongs there?

Like she is actually their mother?

One year has passed, she has grown up, she knows she has to let go a bit, let it go a little, because how can she expect to grow when she wants to break? She wants to let go, but she—

This mother of hers—

She hates lies; she has seen what they do, and her mother is the epitome of the definition of lie. She wants to tell her mother exactly what she is, wants to tell her the truth, even if her mother obviously doesn't want to know. Her mother has put up this perfected tough-shit image, and her mother obviously realizes, however unconsciously, what she has done, but she continues to lie to herself, to all of them, continues to pop up once in a few years in a home that isn't hers and pretends nothing, absolutely nothing is wrong.

Oh, how she wants to shatter her illusionary reality, how she wants to break her mind and beat her—

Pause.

She glares at her mother's smiling face with stinging unbelieving eyes and a parched throat, her nails are digging in her palms, and she makes these hysterical noises that sound quite similar to crying.

_Who does she think she is?_

_Let me go, _she thinks, _stop holding me under you – let me go._

Because even now she still remembers what hope feels like, and even now her mother is the greatest actress.

Her mother smiles her wicked abusive smile, and it slips her lips -

"You bitch, you worthless, no-good fallacy of a mom."

It hurts. This lying. Because if her mother is the living breathing epitome of a lie, she is a living breathing lie, born from a mentally abusive mother and a criminal father. All she says is a lie, her life is a lie based on hopes and illusion. She's a lie too, and she deserves to be broken too.

It's only _fair._

_"I hate you."_

**I.**

Everything is going by so fast.

She was sitting in her class, her teacher asked her to get something (what is it? Why can't she remember?) from the supplies closet at the back of the room.

She peered up at the darned thing which towered over her and stepped on the floor of the closet. Thankfully, she could successfully perch the tips of her feet the and reach the thing. Whichever it was.

And then classroom door opened, and there were screams and crying and shots and suddenly she's the only one alive.

_Bang._

She stood there in confusion and shock and hear the heavy labored breathing of the –the – whatchamacallit and it's so close.

She's hysterical.

Thankfully, she isn't the only one breathing heavily, judging by the faint pained gasps near her feet (Natasha, her mind informs her, the girls who always talked to her no matter what) and obviously the thing thought her hysterical breathing was the dying girl's because he shot her.

Again.

Took away what remained of her life span.

This –this disgusting thing—

It's going to come for me, her brain helpfully supplied, and I'll die too.

Oh god.

But it went away.

Her form was hidden by the closet door, and her feet didn't show either, so he didn't see her. So she didn't die.

Thank god for small mercies.

She swallows heavily, she's fine, she's fine, she doesn't feel anything except some confusion.

Probably because she was in shock.

A school shooting, she realizes. Then she blinks. Her twin is also in her grade.

In the class right next to hers.

For some reason, she loses the ability to focus on what's happening around her.

_Oh god oh god oh god oh god—_

_Her brother—_

She starts running, slipping on blood and falling on bodies, and she digs her feet into on child's face and flies out the door, destroying his face and wide eyes, but she doesn't care, not now, not when she needs to save her brother.

She skidded right into her brother's class, smack dab into a tall person's back, and her one not smothered eye caught her brother's panicked face.

Good. He was alive.

She stepped back from the person, and then because her common sense came back to her, she realized that she could have only bumped into the teacher, or the—

_Click._

Oh, for the love of –

She stares cross eyed at the gun that's shoved into her mouth and stops.

Breathes.

She reaches her bloodied hands up to the gun and wraps her fingers around it, and her eyes travel in desperation to the ski mask towering over her.

Not now. She wants to leave something behind other than a body. Not now.

Snot is falling down and tears are rising up (London's bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down) and she is choking on a gun.

Breath.

She screams.

_Bang._

**I.**

Nate is playing with his toys. A little boy doll is sitting on the floor of his city, and Kelly is climbing out the window of their home, while Barbie is watching with her permanent smile plastered on her perfect face.

Nate wants his sister back.

His eyes are filing up and he doesn't try to clear them; because by now his hands already know how to destroy his carefully made city.

Today, for the first time, his city experiences rain as they die.

She never comes back.

**I.**

**\... **_But the room was so quiet_

_ And although I wasn't losing my mind_

_ **. . .**_

_I was looking for a breath of life_

_ **. . .**_

_ To get a dream of life again_

_ A little of vision of the start and the end_

_ But all the choirs in my head sang "no" **.../**_

**I.**

Noaashbeansdsygfroalondgtimeno_wadha_hahahahahahahfireliescoldandsoscared**whtiewhitewhite**thepatientsaresohardtobreakthey'rebrokentheyknowtheyknowtheyknowdoctorsdoctorsfuckingdoctors -

...

What are you talking about?

Please stop.

Ahhit'ssocoldsomewheresheknowswhatishappeningfirefirewarmthshe'snakedit'ssocoldshe'stravelledfarfromherplacethisisnotyourplaceleavemebe-

Shut up.

SHE'SDYINGSHE\SDYINGSHEHASNEVERDIEDFROMTHATSHE\SDYIGNSDNKHF-

SHUT UP, OH MY GOD JUST SHUT UP SHUT UP **SHUT UP.**

...why?YOU'RELIVINGALIEDOYOUNOTUNDERSTANDIT'SSOCOLDPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE

.

DON'TDENY

.

IT

.

**please**

**I.**

Pain.

Everything is pushing at her, all around her, and she feels her memories inspected.

Pain.

There's a bullet in her throat, she's gulping it down, down, it slides, and she's dead. Or maybe she's dying because of the white strangling her, and the cold choking her?

(She's dying, but someone else is dying. three other people are dying.)

She's fading. She doesn't want to. She's fading and her only company are memories.

(Blood. Pain. Haze.

Confusion.

Machine.

Gun.

Pain. Pain,pain,pain,death,killmustsurvivetalalcsots.)

Brown eyes.

"You…"

She breathes, and her mind is hurting, her intuition is screaming.

"No, please. Don't."

But do they have a choice? In this world were your only options are playing along for your role or being discarded, what can you do but try to survive?

"Please, don't hold me down under your role. Just let me go, I wanna be free. I wanna let go and grow and be stronger, I don't want your burden."

She doesn't want this pseudo life, this role in the dark, she doesn't want what will happen to her, even if she doesn't understand her desperation or what she's saying. There's this sense of Deja Vu, like she knows exactly what will happen, and it's going to be bad and horrible, she's going to do something horrible, she knows it.

She just wants her brother who she selfishly ignored when she thought about her happy moments in childhood, ignoring him in favor of angsting about her damned mother. It's all just flowing out now.

And with those sad memories, there are many happy ones. She feels her idealism rear her head, and she's longing for the brief warmth she's felt from those speeding images.

**"My pride are my friends and family."**

_I'll put a bullet in my head and I'm gone, gone, gone, gone..._

.

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><p>.<p>

.

.

**Authors Note: **_Good? Hopefully. But it's really angsty and I got miffed and bored at the end because I had this whole pile of homework on my back and stuff and my mom wants me off the computer._

_Immediately._

_Anyways, I wanted to add the reincarnation scene here and some scenes in here but no time, so expect rewrites in the future and chapter 02 anytime from two weeks later to summer._

_And wow, that's my first time writing the f word or acknowledging it, but I guess I have to sacrifice a bit for my writing hood._

_Review equals inspiration, AKA writing fuel._

_Love,_

_Desirable._

**Edit: Heroes Die is still WIP, it's not discontinued. Chapter 02 is HERE. Click the next chappie button.**


	2. i have balls and voices in my head

**[ heroes . die ]**

**. . . * . . . **

_And then promptly wake up as men. Or women. Whichever gender you would have a heart attack using the bathroom to find their specified genital attached to you._

**- Hopeless Desires.**

**. .**

i **disclaim **ownership of KHR! and claim ownership on the AU idea and Noa.

_._

**note **alternate universe + psychological triggers. AU of FWBT. Changes in tenses midway. Confusing themes.

.

**which is better**, past tense or present? first person or third? Vote on my poll for Tsuna's childhood friendships.

**. .**

**arc **one**: **reincarnation

**chapter **two**: **I have balls and voices in my head

**WORDS ADDED. **

unedited (sort of).

.

.

**II.**

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—_

When she dies, she expects lots of things. Like, say, God herself/himself coming down from her throne to scold her on cussing her mother. Like her mother hasn't yelled enough when she cussed her.

Or even waking up to butt naked winged babies, skirt wearing men (not that she has anything against them; let them wear what they want), and nude humans dancing around her.

But this – this is absolutely hilarious, it's incredibly humiliatingly fantastic – God must be laughing.

Because she's looking up at a white ceiling. She's sure (because the wall on top of a person is a ceiling, go check a dictionary) and she's also sure that when she – she – god_damn_it she can't even think of it without feeling so-

She clenches the fabric under her hands and swallows the urge to scream in frustration. Except, her hands clench nothing because she's dead. Again. Only, this time she's a zombie because she's alive in a dead body. Or it might be that her soul hasn't settled into her body yet, taking into consideration that half her (spiritual) head was out of her body's head.

—_eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—_

Her spirit version was really big, she lamented, which was strange considering that it was never mentioned you suddenly gained around two feet once you died and became a spirit. And to make it fit in, her soul was squeezed into a compatible size, and mother of god it _hurt_.

If this is a second chance, then why the hell is she strapped to a bed and injected with enough needles to look like a porcupine?

Well, maybe it was because she had a gun shoved halfway down her throat and the mother of all trigger happy fingers holding said gun. Still, wouldn't that be a blatant 'God has something to do with this' sign? Wasn't God supposed to be discreet or something? Was God unleashing her sadistic desires on her by giving the people in white lab coats and goggles an early Christmas gift of sorts?

—_eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—_

Oh dear sweet God, that irritating background noise was…well, irritating.

And she could clearly hear a female voice wailing curses and threatens at an unfortunate man (which she deduced from his minor interruptions with his low, deep voice. But it _could_ be a woman, though). The woman was barking out words, tears, and sniffles, and most likely jabbing the man in the midst of it.

"NO! No, no, no, I don't care what you expect – my son is – he's my son – he can't die, can't you see? I have nobody else!"

"Ma'am, I'll have to get the police to detain you –"

"Shut up! Instead of talking here, why don't you go and SAVE MY SON?!"

"Officer –"

"Sawada-san, you'll have to come –"

"He's my son – I can't lose him after – after –"

"You're still a…suspect, Sawada-san, you will have to come –"

"No! He can't die, your doctor mumbo jumbo is BULL. Jump of a building, you bastard –"

"Will you for the love of God stop interrupting me?"

"What do you know of God, you heartless fu—"

"Ok, that's enou—"

"Let me at him!"

"OH MY GOD—"

"Sawada-san! Don't attack the doctor!"

Oh god…god must be trying to be funny or something, but if this was limbo, then she'd like to say she doesn't deserve this, thank you very much.

One other thing, who is this woman yapping over there? She's a bit heartless, she has to agree, but for God's sake she just came back from the dead. Why won't anybody give her a break? For one thing, if this is her mother she must have been a voice actress too, because wow was her voice high pitched, nasally, and homicidal. After all, she doubted her mom would care enough to attack a police man and a doctor with (most likely) a scalpel or her purse. And it wouldn't be Nate because he'd most likely stick in the waiting room building houses instead of bothering to wail in public. And if he did, indeed, try to kill the doctor, she doubted the man would have had time to scream OMG.

—_eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—_

She stifles a sigh through her nose. Only her head is left outside her old, darling body now. Just a few more seconds.

Later on, the memory of staring at the white ceiling, still owning a small chance to get out of this entire mess, would terrorize her dreams.

After all, what if will never be far from a human's thoughts, and regrets always follow.

**Ba-thump**

**Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.**

_eeep. Beeeeep. Beeeep. Beep. Beep.-_

"What the-"

"Tsuna!"

"Start the operation, now!"

_Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeee_

**No. I refuse to die.**

_Beep. Beeep. _

**I won't – I will not die. I need to…**

_Beep_

…**see Nate again-**

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

"Holy –"

**Fire.**

_Beep._

**Ba-thump.**

**.**

.

.

**II**.

"What's wrong, Doctor?"

"Nothing. Nothing, I just thought…nothing."

"I…ah, sure, do you need some water, then?"

"Yes. Yes, please."

**II.**

It's been a few days since his –

(her reincarnation)

-revival. Tsuna has a headache; there's a sort of pressure constantly pounding in his subconscious, and sometimes he hears this voice

(listen. can't you hear? remember. this isn't fair.)

-and it's very familiar, and it makes his chest burn and his heart beat faster, faster,

(please)

-that makes the nurse worry. The nurses have stopped voicing their worries and just started impaling his arm with a thin needle. He gazes at his arm when they do that, feeling unexplainably drowsy as he searches for holes. Some small part of him scoffs; he's not going to find holes. But why? He supposes its better like this – he doesn't want to go around looking like a porcupine.

Tsuna wants to see his mother – a vague shape in his memories – but then another part of him disagrees. In fact, she goes as far as to bombard him with a nightmare when he sleeps at night, so that whenever he says mother, hears "your mother", he gets this knee jerk reaction to clam up, his expression shuttering. When that happens, he lets go a little and lets his subconscious lead. She – and isn't that funny, they're genders are different – always looks calm, observing, but Tsuna knows better. There's a raging storm of panic under her skin, a tenseness to her shoulder and impatient tug at her lips, while she keeps on thinking, _nate nate nate. _She deals with the nurses quietly, answers the doctor efficiently, and Tsuna feels relaxed, like maybe he can let go of the leash he has on her – and then a memory slips past his guards and –

Nate –

He tightens his leash. She might be able to keep him calm, might have control over her – his – facial expressions, but Tsuna controls everything else. If he didn't, he'd have been long gone, running to some school he's never heard of to check on something.

Noa has a stronger will than him, than even the other, older voice he hears, but she's in turmoil and her patience is running thin. Once, a nurse called him dream boat and he spat out the lollipop he was sucking. He didn't know why he find it demeaning, but it was most likely the influence of Noa and Tsunayoshi, who sternly scolded Noa – and that was the first time they ever communicated – about her manners, and Noa, who had sounded startled, told him to stuff it.

So, Tsuna ignores all the nightmares he gains when he sleeps, but grows to hate sleep and fear needles, and he tries to keep away the day mares – doesn't that bitch understand he wants to sleep more? – and asks the nurses about his mom. He doesn't need his mom, his subconscious tells him firmly, and he aggress, but a childish part of him, the one who hangs onto the memories and won't let go to _let her lead, dammit, it's her life now,_ just as firmly stands by his past memories. The ones that actually make sense and don't hurt.

(As if you ever listen. As if you will listen to me – Tsuna is dead. Please, please let me take over.)

The nurses clam up, exchange glances, and one of them will hold a newspaper in her hand, lowering it down, hiding it behind he back (like I am blind. These idiots think they can lie blatantly to me because I look five?).

It's not just his subconscious that annoys him. There are irritating dreams of him when he's thirteen being threatened by a baby, eighteen in a party while everyone congratulates him for some strange reason, and one where he is twenty four and dying.

…

These dreams are far happier than the other ones, where he's a girl, but the ones with the girl lack emotion, it's just lonely and regretful, while the one where he's thirteenfourteenfifteentwentyfour are too emotional, sometimes he wakes up with tears sliding down his face while his chest feels empty. So empty.

One day, Tsuna knows he will have to choose – either remember the girl and her goal, or the man and his future – and that choice will decide whether his life will be that of a child's searching desperately, drowning, or a man who has bloody hands and needs to find _them_, also searching. Either live a child or an adult.

Maybe he will be able to let leeway for both, perhaps one canb e stronger while the other stays three steps back, never will one be alone, but he will probably never be able to. Tsuna doesn't have much time left before Noa and Decimo – Sawada Tsunayoshi – takes over, but that's okay.

For now, he will continue to sleep. He will not remember once he wakes up, but soon…

Soon, they will wake up, and he will sleep.

**II.**

A woman visited him, she smelled of warm bread and perfume, and held his hands close, taking to him in a pleasant, careful tone. Tsuna answered her in monotone, sometimes (s)he just ignored her, most of the time (s)he emitted monosyllables. Finally, though, the woman asked him if she remembered what happened on _that day_. Tsuna closes her-his-her-his-h(e)i(r)s mouth, thinks carefully.

His mother is a criminal. It comes to him as a surprise, and sudden jolt, when he manages to connect the pointless chats the police have with him and their suspicious behavior, holding pens and notes while he answers, writing everything down. He's not stupid, and that's what he deduces. Immediately, he feels indignant and surprised, wants to rage silently at those fools and wants to curl up and think why everything is different from (her world's) manga, disbelieving that Nana would murder three mafia men and one woman. It's contradicting, and he wants to let one of the other two take control, but doesn't know who to choose: Noa, who doesn't care much about Nana and would be the least affected, capable of calmly controlling the situation, or Tsunayoshi, who wants to take the gun in the policeman's holster and start coldly threatening for information. In the end, Noa pushes at him gently, wherein Tsunayoshi is trying to control his facial expression, and he lets her take control of his tongue, warbling out subtle manipulation after another.

_This woman works with the police_, Noa says. _She's a therapist_, she knew. She's trying to see if they could get evidence on the case – is Nana lying? Or is it the truth? – and the verdict laid in Tsuna's hands.

(So, _Tsuna_? Are you going to lie, claim this woman who you hold no connections to, really did defend you? They might believe you, but your story might be different from Nana's.

Are you going to say _I don't remember_: claim amnesia and leave your new mom's fate to chance?

Or are you going to stay quite longer, while the suspicion that Nana didn't kill in defense, that you're afraid of telling the truth because of punishment, grow in the therapist's mind?)

"I don't remember," Noa decided, said in a plain, small, voice, "I don't remember if I'm Tsuna, or if she's my mom." It's the first time Tsuna and Tsunayoshi have heard her vulnerability; once she realized all her emotions were felt by them she'd taken to curling tightly around herself, still spitting fire at Tsuna to remember but waking him up when the dreams where too strong. Tsunayoshi quiets down for a moment, and while Noa isn't capable of seeing his growing care for her, or communicating with him, Tsuna is still glad because he is Noa –

Wait.

What?

The therapist said, "Oh, Tsunayoshi," and holds him (her) close. Tsuna takes control back (he doesn't want to remember, he'll sleep for longer) and just stares blankly at the woman's chest, not caring that if he was older he would have been labeled a pervert.

It turns out they didn't have to bother in the first place, trying to piece together the puzzle proved futile; an Italian female attorney, hired by her father, came. She had a sharp tongue, a deceiving smile, and pretty dark hair tied in a bun, and refused to let any of the cutting accusations the possibly misogynist, mildly racist male Japanese prosecutor get to her.

In the end, through the raw talent of the woman's cunning and manipulative speech, Sawada Nana was released as Not Guilty on one assumption:

Self-defense: Nana and Tsunayoshi were assaulted during early evening, where two men in black and one woman threatened her to hand over her son. They, then, forced her to the ground, grabbed Tsunayoshi, and one of them made a comment about his 'hefty price', admiring his strange eyes. He was most likely going to be trafficked. Nana kneed the man holding her down, grabbed his gun, and shot the man holding the boy and the woman talking into the phone. Then, she shot the man holding his genitals.

They all died. There was a witness who admitted that he'd ran away in fear, but had seen it all happening.

Still, Tsuna knew that, aside from self-defense, there was another reason Nana wasn't in prison:

Strings were pulled, illusions were made, the attorney was in no place to defend criminals, nor was the witness honest, and Sawada Nana was most likely not even approached. The mafia were too smart to be that direct during abductions of a child whose house was visited by the Vongola Nono and the CEDEF boss.

In other words, Tsuna was valuable enough to validate Vongola's protection, whether because of his father's position or his future position, it didn't matter.

**II.**

You see, the human body was never meant to support more than one soul at the same time. It was even harder when the two souls were completely different, with memories that didn't add up with the dimension the human body resided in, some from the future and other from another universe entirely.

So the human body adapts.

It's hard on the mental mind of a five year old to harbor the sad memories of a twelve year old and twenty four year old, so what the human body does is take the body's memories, push them to the foreground, and then infuse the three psyches, three memories, and two souls. Eventually, the memories of the five year old will turn into a sort of soul of itself, until the day the barrier breaks.

And it will. Because the human mind is mortal, infallible, and one of the side effects is that some of the memories will slip through, in forms of dreams, and eventually, the mind will become confused by the differences, by events that haven't happened, slaps it hasn't gotten, screaming it hasn't heard, deaths it hasn't caused. Whether the mind meant to let it slip so that eventually they fuse completely, it's yet to be known, but what is known –

Three will become one. And if it doesn't…

Well, it shouldn't hurt, but…

That's only because the person goes insane and it doesn't matter anymore to them. It isn't really _that_ painful.

Really.

(But then again the mind always reassures, lies, adapts to itself. Perhaps you should ignore my claims.)

**II.**

"Tsu-kun," his mother called, "Wake up. It's time for school."

Surprise clearing away the haze of sleep, Tsuna sat up in bed and would have back pedaled if his back wasn't already pressed to the wall. His mother's red rimmed eyes and tentative ghost of a smile greeted him.

Her face was pale, as to be expected; locking herself in her room for a week and crying endlessly wasn't exactly healthy. So, if you'd excuse his shock at seeing his mother awake, out of her room, and even trying to smile, that would be really nice.

Her failed attempt at a smile stopped and she inhaled heavily. "Okay," she said, "You can change by yourself?"

Mutely, Tsuna nodded.

Nana blinked repeatedly, opened her mouth and then clamped it shut. "Okay." She left the room in fast strides. Tsuna didn't lift his eyes from her for even a blink.

School.

Huh. Something a bit entertaining, to keep his thoughts at bay. After all, Nana wasn't the only one left for nightmares and locked up in her (_his_) room; memories were stronger after you died and it wasn't like he could leave the house when the door was locked. Also, he needed the time to get over his denial of his new body parts and accept his newfound masculinity.

Frankly, the memory that tapped at his consciousness, like, 'Hey, I'm here, listen to me' was ignored.

Well, that was wrongly phrased. He couldn't ignore it – he already remembered it the first time it was brought to mind. All he'd done, really, was repress the memories and keep them in the background. It was an immature way of dealing with stress, but Noa hadn't always been mature and she doubted Tsuna was and Noa was Tsuna now, and Tsuna was four years old so she – he – had an excuse –

Babbling. Rambling. Wasn't there a character in Harry Potter called Professor Babbling? A runes teacher or something…

Tsuna mindlessly, and slightly relieved, hurried to get downstairs. One could only eat so many peanut butter sandwiches until his taste buds demanded for change.

Tsuna slipped into his school uniform, combed his hair quickly, and washed his face. He stared at his reflection in silent contemplation.

For some reason, Noa wanted to avoid looking in the mirror. She also didn't like it when he went to the bathroom, going either silent, or yelling something to drown out the noise of water, or muttering, "God is doing a funny on me, isn't she or he? Haha, God, how funny." Once, she even muttered something like, "Am I homosexual or what now?" And the first time he went into the bathroom, she started laughing hysterically.

Tsunayoshi ruthlessly told him to look in the mirror, so that now, Noa didn't even care anymore when he saw his face. Noa just sulked when he stood in front of a mirror, although at first she and Tsunayoshi were bothered by his appearance.

Same dark brown hair, same fair skin, same small body, same wide eyes –

Except his eyes were orange, not exactly like hyper dying will form; three shades lighter, more amber and gold like than orange, and his eyes were sharp edged, unlike the soft curve of the anime Tsuna's eyes. His eyes were exactly like a wider version of Giotto's eyes. There was no ignoring the unnerving similarity of the two males. Anyone who knew of Primo would have a heart attack when they spot him. And then they'd kidnap him and experiment on him.

Was it bad Tsunayoshi was feeling horrified of other possible parallel world differences?

Was it bad Tsuna was feeling too confused at getting two simultaneous thoughts to actually wonder why his appearance startled him so much?

Was it bad Noa sincerely didn't care and was more bothered that she had amber eyes but no female genitals in this parallel world?

At the stairs, Tsuna tripped and face planted on the floor. As was expected. (After all, despite being previously Noa for twelve years, training to become Vongola Decimo for eleven years, one week was hardly enough to gain complete control over your toddler body.) The average toddler had bad enough balance as it was, Tsunayoshi even more so.

Nana looked lost standing in front of the kitchen counter, shoulders slouched and eyes that yelled '_I should just give up_'. She brushed her cheek, probably checking for tears.

Tsuna said, "Do you think you could make pancakes…'kaa-chan?" even though Noa hated pancakes and Tsunayoshi didn't appreciate them much better. And if the word 'kaa-chan felt strange on his tongue, it didn't matter.

Really.

"Okay," Nana said, after jumping and staring at her with wild eyes.

Tsuna let his lips stretch, bared the feeling of fakeness, and ignored the way Nana looked like she'd fall on her knees from relief. "Thank you, 'kaa-chan, Tsu-kun loves 'kaa-chan." Using the childish third person way of indicating to oneself apparently calmed Nana down, for she looked at him hopefully and then hurried to prepare Tsuna's breakfast. The two other parts of his mind seemed ashamed at his speech, but he felt relaxed.

(He's still awake. Faraway from CloudLightningStormSunMistRain dying and Nate in danger –

Oh no. Nonono. He was getting close to the edge.

He didn't want to fall.)

There was a cold, awkward silence in their breakfast, in all their moments spent together, and Tsuna didn't think the regretful undertones underlying their conversations nor the unfamiliarity in their actions would ever really disappear – not unless Nana stopped thinking only of bad memories and projected the blame on others, not unless she stopped breaking and cowering into herself in the challenging moments and depending on others, and not unless Tsuna slept and they woke up, not until Noa forgave herself and hid her regrets.

For once, while Tsuna chewed on bitter, burnt pancakes, sitting alone in almost every sense of the word, Noa didn't feel guilty over robbing Tsuna of his life.

Wherever he was, it was probably better than here. Real Tsuna was a toddler, not a survivor, and he would have shattered under the pressure and loneliness.

Solidarity, after all, was only for the broken, and Noa was a professional at ignoring signs and avoiding interaction.

**II.**

At school, Tsuna became sure of it.

The real Tsunayoshi was better of wherever he was now than here.

He mildly wondered when he thought of himself as a fake, a substitute, a safety precaution, but just closed his eyes and tried to feel the imaginary wind.

_Fifty feet_

**II.**

It started with the looks.

Nana, apparently reaching her maximum familial interaction for the day, collapsed into a seat at the sight of the door. Tsuna left her there, after staring at her for five minutes and contemplating poking her.

Unfortunately, Tsuna didn't know how to get to school. So that was why he stopped to 'socialize' with a teenager walking her dog.

"Uh," Tsuna said, after tugging at the kid's shirt, "hi."

"Grr," said the dog. Tsuna eyed it warily; some inner intuition told him to back the freak off.

("I bet all my money on a childhood trauma involving a dog," Noa commented plainly.

"You don't have any money," Tsunayoshi sounded slightly amused. Noa didn't answer. She didn't hear him. But soon.

Soon.)

The dog turned out to be more capable of fellow animal interaction than the girl, whose eyes were wide and her mouth gaping.

"Could you tell me where Namimori Kindergarten is?"

"Woah," the girl said, "you – you're Sawada Tsuna, yeah?"

"Yeah?"

"Oh, wow. I – wow, sorry, uh, I'm not supposed to talk to a Sawada and –" the girl turned red, "okay, that was kind of dumb of me."

Tsuna wholeheartedly agreed.

The girl's brown eyes flickered nervously around, "okay, this is stupid, you're just a kid! But I'm not willing to sacrifice my social reputation, so, sorry, kid, but I'm not gonna help you."

(Oh, so the people in Namimori were idiots? Were they prejudiced, close minded, thick headed idiots?

"Sheeple," Noa said, sounding disgusted even though she just made up a word that sounded like it came from Disney Channel. Tsunayoshi hummed in agreement. Sometimes, Tsuna thought he was some sort of saint.)

Tsuna stared firmly at the girl. _You're being a bad human right now._

The girl flinched. "I can't. Honest."

_Bad humans go to bad places. Honest._

The kid backed off five feet, looking like she wanted to ditch the place but feeling too guilty to do it. Thank god he was dealing with a teenager – idealistic and impressionable children, yet they weren't as thick minded as the younger ones, and much more rebellious and open minded than younger kids and adults.

_Are you going to ditch this poor five year old? Are you going to leave Tsu-kun?_

Apparently, the wide eyes and trembling lips that felt like his default expression worked like a charm. She reached a hand up to her ponytail and tugged at it, pointing plainly down the street. "Then go right." Her eyes stared at a window. Tsuna glanced and found the outline of a broad shouldered silhouette there. "Don't bother me again."

The girl hurried to the house she was staring at, her teeth biting into her lips. (Noa briefly considered child abuse. Or parental pressure? She sounded understanding, a bit bitter, and he got this I'm-going-to-do-what-I-want vibe from her. Tsunayoshi hurried to stop this, and Tsuna repeated his words:

Who knows? Tsuna would keep an eye on her, but with no evidence he had no right to accuse anything. Besides, who would believe a five year old?

Tsunayoshi sounded bitter at the end of the sentence too.)

**. . .**

School was terrible.

Tsuna probably should have gotten the hint once the teacher eyed him in pity and suspiciously and something else, something like knowing. Like maybe she knew how Tsuna would turn out to be.

("And if this really was Katekyo Hitman Reborn, I'd be exactly what she believed he'd turn out to be."

Tsunayoshi was silent.)

And maybe he should have back tracked out of the room and all the way to the small territory made of blankets in the dark of Tsuna's room when some of the children eyed him curiously before backing off, and two of them actually downright cried. That lovely, seductive room. All Tsuna's. Alone.

His.

He was alone there.

And the solitary life as a hermit was looking very fine right now.

The teacher had bluntly asked a little boy called Haruka sitting next to him to sit with Ayako, another little girl who looked at him curiously, a sort of terror in her eyes that made him feel bad.

Tsuna stared at his desk. Stared at the badly written 'No-Good' and 'No-use' and 'stupid'.

And then he ignored it, along with the accusing eyes of the teacher and fearful ones of the kids, ignored the whispers of 'Dame-Tsuna'.

'Murderer.'

**. . .**

"Dame-Tsuna," a boy said, dropping down his crayons with a pout on his face, "you're a killer."

Tsuna felt the air leave his body in a soft _woosh_. He thought…he expected something of this sort to happen, but -.

"Your 'kaa-san's a murderer," he continued, "and she's a – she bragged the police to get out."

_Bribe._ Oh God, what did these kids think? What did they believe?

_How would this affect Nana?_

Another kid, with dull brown eyes piped in, "she gave them stuff. Gave them gifts. Your mama's a monster."

More kids joined in. The teacher looked aghast, but seemed to come to a conclusion, and for some reason Tsuna knew what she thought.

**This way, I wouldn't be tempted to be a murderer. **A soothing voice said blankly, although it was shadowed by a deeper, more faded voice. **I would want to do anything to prove them wrong.**

The voices sounded so familiar, and _no-_

_Not yet._

Maybe it was his hyper intuition. Maybe he was insane; as a side effect of reincarnation. The voices firmly, in unison, told him he was not and to stop being an idiot. Although the feminine voice cursed, not the masculine one.

(Slowly, she was regretting not watching the entire anime. After all, reading the wiki and watching fight scenes only just wasn't going to cut it. Apparently, she'd have to wing it.)

"My mom killed in self-defense," he replied. "If she hadn't, I'd have died."

The children all gave him simple, mule-headed looks. "She still killed," one little girl said. Tsuna had a feeling she didn't really care and didn't know what happened to people because of death.

In other words –

She had no right.

"Self-defense," he repeated, although it might've been stupid because their expression were blank because of the complex term, "they were trying to kidnap me."

"But why kill?"

"Was she supposed to, I don't know, flatter them? Offer them a dance? Arrange a marriage between me and one of their children? Offer my life? Wait for a _man_? A fairy Godmother? Was she just supposed to sit down tight and wait for the police, or God, to fulfil her wish? You are all idiots. This isn't a fairy tale."

Some of the kids looked scandalized at the last statement, the rest didn't get the point of the conversation.

Of course it wasn't going to be easy to avoid bullying, especially when the Tsuna of this parallel world had the same personality and a killer for a mom to boot.

Of course.

**II.**

His desk had knives drawn on them.

**II.**

Tsuna hated red crayons.

**II.**

_"…Tsu…kun."_

_"Yes, 'kaa-san?"_

_"How was…school? Did anyone bother you?"_

_"School was boring. Did you go out today?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Did you meet someone?"_

_"…"_

_"I met lots of new people today. But it's a bit boring. The teacher is boring."_

_"But that's okay. There's always tomorrow, right?"_

_"Yeah. Tomorrow. Ha."_

**II.**

**Tsuna **woke up, breathless, heaving for breathe as the mad haze of blood lust and death and the haze of being nothing, being timeless and aging and dying, disappeared from around him. It was strong, so strong, one from a war, another from a school, and the third was so brief, it was about -

...What was it about?

..._Perhaps it's best not to remember._

**Noa **finally heard **Tsunayoshi.**

Tsuna cried, slow, soft choking sounds and curled fingers around blankets, snot easing down from his nose and a plead escaping **her **lips.

He wanted to stay awake, stay ignorant, for a few more months. Two, maybe, a year, please, eight years, when he's thirteen would be so, so perfect.

Too bad Tsunayoshi was used to sacrificing and feeling bad, because while Noa tried to woke him up, Tsunayoshi had increased the dreams.

(Blood. Chaos. Pain. Haze. Mustkillmustsurvive.

"-no, Tsuna, no—!"

Fear. Dead classmates. _Little brother. _

Hysteria.

"Wake up, little boy, wake up, Tsuna. Wake up, don't let their sacrifices go to vain."

…

Burning. It burns. Dying.

"Wake up, dammit! Wake up, you lousy excuse of a mind! You're not fucking alone, don't you get it? Goddamnit, I lost Nate for this, you better wake up. Please. I don't want this either, but…" Another one. A girl.

Wake up? Don't be silly, he's already awake. You just want him to sleep.

"…I want to save someone. A life for a life…and maybe…"

…so tired…

"Maybe we'll get friends though this."

…I doubt it.)

It's okay. Morning will come and the sun will wash away the future and the alternate universe. Don't worry.

Sleep.

**II.**

"I didn't cheat, Sensei."

The teacher stopped tapping the desk with his fingers. He raised his eyebrows in disbelief. It was better than anger. "Tsunayoshi, lying to teachers is very bad behavior."

"I'm not lying, Sensei."

The teacher sighed and went back to tapping. The principal hadn't even raised her face from the paperwork; adamant on finishing it off early.

A few moments later, somebody knocked on the door, hesitant and only once in a timid rap. The principal stifled a groan and lifted her face from the paperwork. That wasn't good – it meant the principal was tired and just wanted to finish the problem quickly, not listening to Tsuna. "Come in."

His mother's face was pale, her hands trembled and her shoulders slouched. Of course; if people avoided Tsuna and children bullied him, then Nana was worse off. He wouldn't be surprised if she was served a dozen scathing looks on her way here, and Nana had always seemed like one to be affected easily.

"Hello," Nana started, fumbling with her purse, "What's wrong with Tsuna?"

The principal tried to smile pleasantly at Nana in an attempt to sooth her nerves – not all people in Namimori were simple-minded – and then said, "Take a seat first, Sawada-san. Do you want a drink?"

"No, no. It's okay. Um…"

"Tsunayoshi," the principal said bluntly, "has always been below average in grades, hasn't he?"

"Yes," Nana admitted quickly, and since she wore her heart on her sleeve she sounded very disappointed and forlorn.

The principal smiled empathetically. "Its fine, he's still in kindergarten," which was a lie, since you had to teach kids how to study from early on for a better effect. But still, the principal was only trying to comfort Nana. "Inoichi-sensei has brought us Tsuna's last three test scores and a recent one they had this morning. Inoichi-sensei, if you'd please."

The teacher handed her the papers.

The woman held up a paper with a bright red 20 and said plainly, "He failed writing," raised a paper with a similar score, "reading," another one, "and math with scores under forty. As for the recent test," she raised a paper that didn't look like it was used as a tissue by a person with a bleeding nose, "he got a perfect score. Better than all of his classmates."

Nana was silent.

"We think he cheated."

No complains, no denies.

"We hope this doesn't continue. It isn't very good behavior. Perhaps he was trying to please you? Either way, we're going to let you handle this, but next time…" the black-head trailed off.

"I un-" Nana started.

"I didn't cheat."

The three adults looked at Tsuna with different expressions. The principal with slowly withering patience and pity, the teacher with irritation, and Nana with –

- Resignation. Sorrow. She looked on the verge of crying.

(Mothers were such disgusting creatures.)

"Tsuna!" Tsuna froze in surprise. "Stop lying, Tsu-kun. Please just…please stop cheating. It's not right. It's bad to lie. It's bad to cheat. Even if it's hard on you, you shouldn't take away the good work of another child."

So.

So she thought this was all for her? So she didn't believe him?

(Mothers were such good actors.)

What should he do? O-oh God, he was so tired…

Recently, he'd noticed shadows under his eyes and a tired slouch to his shoulders. It might've seemed as low confidence, (but Noa has died and Tsunayoshi has been a mafia boss, they didn't care what people thought anymore and weren't afraid of much.)

So. He let them both mesh together, take control together, and while Tsunayoshi turned his face sorrowful, made him tear up, Noa made him apologize to the teacher with surprisingly good voice acting.

("Don't worry," she told him, voice now far above whisper, "We'll start slow, go from bad to average to excellent, and then, they won't get to say anything." He heard a wicked smile in her voice, and he felt reassured with her promise.

Tsunayoshi was silent, but extra words weren't needed, anyways. And his voice was still a whisper, although Noa could hear it now.)

**II.**

And that night, with a sinking feeling, Tsunayoshi went to sleep –

(Fifty feet

Dark

Deep

Don't want to fall

Choking, no breathing, must breathe

It's okay to fall

It's okay

Forty feet

Thirty feet

Twenty

Ten

Five

Four

Three

Two

One

…

Tsuna never liked pancakes.)

Noa woke up. Well, not entirely, a great part of her, many years of her life, didn't wake up. And they never will. Forever grazing the surface of dreams, they will never be reality to Noa.

Because Noa died from being shot in the throat, not alone and cold.

As for Tsunayoshi…

Well, no one ever said this plot they were tangled in wasn't complex. This web, after all, has other spiders on it.

(Soon.)

**II.**

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I'm baaaaack, late update; too many ideas. Anyways, the story is taking a turn, as you can see, but there are far many more twists in the future.

I hope this chapter wasn't very bad. All the chapters I write are impulsive and written in short intervals on a long term, without editing or rereading and are hurried to be published. This one was edited quite a few times, since the original version had some characters in them, like Gamma, of all people, while the secondary one had no plot twist, and this one…meh.

For the topic of pairings…I think I'm sticking to gen, as in no pairings, but I'll put in hints of 27All. I wouldn't mind writing side oneshots for pairings or possibly focusing on one relationship more than another. I've been wondering, though, would you people mind giving me ideas? As in, relationship/friendship/plot twist/events/AU ideas. It would be terrific.

**QUESTION:** I've got a poll on who should Tsuna befriend in his childhood, if any. Please vote :). **EDIT**: WAO LOTS OF PEOPLE WANT HIBAHIBA ACTION.

**EDIT: **1K of chapter three done. Around 5 K more...ahhh~ I'm dying already.

Drop a review.

_Sincerely,_

.

_TBC_

.

_hopeless desires_

.

Do you think Future!Tsuna should stick around, and if yes, should he be prominent or The Occasionally Wise Man?

**EDIT: **I suppose he will be The Wise Guy Whose Always There. AKA prominent. PM me some scenes/the relationship you want to see between Noa/Tsuna and Tsunayoshi. A lot of you people have been mistaking this. **Noa is Tsuna, but Tsuna is not Noa. He's the result of a fusion between three memories and two souls, and the original soul's death. AKA Tsuna is not a real person, but a sort of white patch that is trying to forget and pretend to be the old, toddler Tsuna.**

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